The Silly Business

Today I was feeling a little emotionally depressed, but when I saw all the emails from you guys, I felt a lot better! Also, I went shopping today - I absolutely need to have Moo-fuel; no other drink will cut it for me when eating foods.

The Bro, Brah, and Bru Business is somewhat famous around the Fjord for their activities. Since I just received my chef jacket, I took up their offer they made of me. I could not turn down a deal that included free belts. I began working on doing cooking demonstrations shows, and during that, some other people that I had gotten used to seeing suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again, but I guess that’s just the way things are. I’m fine with people suddenly deciding to never let anyone see them ever again. I’m not some kind of jerk that will start trying to snoop into their lives. Things started looking up for me though when I was offered to go on a trip to the beach! So exciting!

~ The beach was pretty great. I headed out at night since that’s when anything cool that might happen will definitely happen. There was none of that icky green plant goo growing on the water and no pieces of shells or weird objects that might be crap on the sand, so it was okay to just walk along without paying attention. Well, except for this nice soufflé I found just sitting on the ground. I was absolutely sure no one was around, so I totally ate the soufflé. I would say that that was the highlight of the vacation.~

I got back to Bro, Brah, and Bru, I sensed something was amiss. Bru approached me. “We know you have secret plans, but you may want to reconsider after seeing this picture of legally inappropriate behaviour.” He then presented a secret hand drawn picture of me eating the soufflé while on vacation, all done in oil pastels! I was shocked! These things seriously baffle me, I can’t figure out how they work. Within the same box, some of them are like working with chalk, and others are so smudgy they pretty much melt right onto the paper. “So don’t even think about telling Chompowitz about our shady dealings, it will cause you a lot of emotional conflict!” Luckily, I snorkeled away to Soufflé Islet and now everything is fine.

Nightlunch

I looked in my mail earlier this today and I saw that several readers are apparently displeased with my internotes. The advice given to improve things is nonsensical and often contradictory, but regardless I will try my best to incorporate this into future posts.

It was getting late, and we all needed some good chomps. Dinner was out of the question, as it had just passed midnight. If I had suggested having dinner, I would have had appeared quite the buffoon. We started rummaging around for eats. I filled a bowl with frozen fruits, pineapples, peaches, melons, and strawberries, and was about to begin chomping down when I started having second thoughts. I checked the original bag: “Ideal for: Baking, Smoothies, Toppings, Snacking”. Yes, it was in fact okay to do what I was about to do. I put on several belts in preparation, and sat down at the table ready for nightlunch.

~It is important to consider for refrigerator/freezer management what to do when running into certain situations. For example, if you were to find a tub labeled “Potato Water”, your life is at serious risk if you drink it. It also probably tastes like fish.~

“Hey man! I don't THINK so! I don't THINK so!”
“Dude, bro, man.” A heckler had arrived. As exciting an incident this was, I really had to use the washroom at this point, so I got up and engaged in self-palliation. Someone else came in too and used the stall next to me, causing me to worry that I might not make it out in time. It would be disasterous for my reputation if this other person were to finish before me, so I quickly got up and left, leaving my belts undone. I must have been gone for a while because the cookies staled. I felt a little awkward when I sat back down, so I started trying to quickly adjust my belts without anyone noticing. It’s kind of difficult and I was losing track of what else was happening at the table when suddenly my attention was seized by a comment addressed towards me.
“We have to talk to you about what you’ve been doing at night lately.”

A Fully Tilting Fjultry

I’m working on a bit of a time-chomp here, so please forgive any minor inaccuracies. I try my best, and I hope we’ll all have a good year together!

I arrived at the Nuclear Power Plant Museum, and decided to take a tour. I’m always interested in learning stuff. They gave me the children’s discount, so I mentally awarded myself the trophy for most efficient use of money per amount of nuclear power plant knowledge gained. I couldn’t have been more proud of moiself. Inside the museum, it was kind of lame though. All the walls were clean and bright white with a weird carpet. I couldn’t tell what color this thing was. Maybe it was red, or blue or purple, maybe orange or burgundy? It was really confusing to me. Anyway, most of the place was kind of empty looking, so I took out a pineapple and my hobby knife box set then got to work. This one was going to be good since there were no studded belts on it. I remember one time I got a tactical pineapple on my hands, let me tell you....

~I know you’re interested in how ex-birthdays came into being. Well, when Thunder Curator Charleston first made his descent, he needed a way to mix cocoa without having to heat up his water. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning part. Thunder Curator Charleston was first invented by Robotsk in space. Not directly of course, that would be ridiculous. Robotsk can’t be involved directly in these matters. The forty seven-thousand-three hundred-thirty-fourth polishing robot did this when it realized that it needed some more ridiculous chomps. So basically, Thunder Curator Charleston was particularly fond of artwork so he devised a way to get his hands on an excellent painting. He would have an ex-birthday in honour of himself to receive gifts.~

...but it was actually steel wool all along. I couldn’t believe it. So as I was saying, I was eating my pineapple snack in the museum when I noticed the vending machines. They had one of those awesome ones with the suction grabber and the ice cream. I always love these, so I got myself a banana peanut butter bar. This definitely satisfied me, so I made a quick visit to the washroom, then walked in the direction of the incinerator.

Invöerstigation Forever

I usually feel like exploring whenever I eat Mr. Baron's microwave oven pizzas, so I took a trip over to the local Pizzeria for some extra nightlunch. Imagine the shock on my face when I discovered that the pizza you buy there isn't frozen and in need of microwaving, but it is in fact, ready to eat at time of purchase! Well, at least this is what I found in my camcorder's recording I made of the event. I personally still find it too wild and crazy and I refuse to believe it is true. It's not often that I have actual physical copies of video recordings of my dreams, but I'm hoping for a more realistic dream next time.

I hadn't seen Beltman for some time, and so I had taken up applying myself towards various arts and crafts. During this time I went back some thousand years maybe. Seeing this as an opportunity to bring something wonderful to the world, I decided to invent the world's very first double boiler. And while I was at it, I tried my hand at baking pies. Since Lemon Meringue is a pie with much hidden potential, I tried baking that same pie over and over again. Then one night, on a full moon, I experienced a pie fusion accident. This new pie retained some of the qualities of the Lemon Meringue, but it was also very different. I called this new intense pie the Key Lime Pie...

...with Galaxy Beltman's help, I was once again at the Fjord. Earthquakes and storms were destroying the lands, and the wisemen of SouffleFjord had decided that to find out the nature of these disasters, the One True Speaker must be sought out in the Belt System. This is when I was sent off on my journey to Deception island to find the Interphased Time Warp Facilitator. But first, I thought I would take a relaxing stop at the SGA...

Meanwhile, 10 floors underneath the central administration building of SouffleFjord, the evil Namtleb awoke from endless nightmares and torments, mad with lust for revenge. "I want my amulet back!" Unfortunately, the 10 floor maze was too ridiculously difficult for Namtleb to navigate, and he ultimately decided to end his suffering by teleporting himself into solid rock.

... with Brosepf gone, I activated the Time Warp Facilitator and added the Thorium fuel cells. Having my zippermask and belt-pineapple, I would be safe on this journey. "Goodbye forever, SouffleFjord. If you want to keep in contact, use the following e-mail address."

(P.S. There will be no e-mail address.)

ßelt System of Deception Island

I fill my plate with garlic shrimp, then go to the fountain and pour into my glass coconut shrimp. I eye out a table and go to sit down. Something catches my eye and I glance away momentarily, but when I return to my meal I find it mysteriously gone. I head off to refill my portions of shrimp, but I experience the same shrimp disappearance a second time. My eyes open and the room is still dark. I walk to the fridge and open it. I notice I have some shrimp. It is all starting to piece together now.

Having been traveling for many days, I finally arrived at Deception Island. With intent to make use of it's Interphased Time Warp Facilitator with Thorium fuel cells, I approached to be blocked by none other than the original member of the SGA - Brosepf Strongbottom.

~"You young folk of the current SGA, huh? You don't know the first thing about real class! Back in the day, we used to be truly classy at the association. I'll have you know some of our activities and shenanigans..."~

I zoned out and my mind began to wander into space, to the belt system, pondering the mystery of Beltman then returned to some awareness at a later time to hear part of Brosepf's story.

~"...help you? Maybe for some chocolate and marshmallow sandwiches. huh... Anyway, when I was thinking about food alot, I had to go watch Comrade X. Then I got all riled up and went into the basement and did arts and crafts. We ended up with a settlers of catan board game. It was pretty cool. What was not cool is that we only had 3 people and we needed 4 for that particular game. So the next day, we got all riled up again and did more arts and crafts. Anyway, we were all upset since the dvd player wasn't working so we ended up playing board games again. So then we went somewhere and watched Hercules: Unchained. Long story short, we got all riled up and cooked an old timey dinner. It was grand. Actually, I don't want to talk about it... well... I just opened up a can of pineapple slices and mandarin oranges...."~

Thinking of fruits like Pineapples, Mandarin Oranges, and Durian really took me back. The Fjord was such a peaceful place... but I came back to awareness of my surroundings once again and asked, "so that's it? Nice story, now pass me a brew-dog."

~"...huh? I'm not done with the story yet. The next part is that we got so riled up that the four of us stopped doing arts and crafts, and instead started power team reading novels. Then they discovered that I wasn't reading my part since I was busy looking at myself in the mirror and doing my hair all the time. They knew I was going too far when I had decieded that it was better to burn off hair than shave. They tried to stop me, but I had escaped. I ran down alleyways, collecting discarded bags of charcoal. I got two bags of the ones presoaked in lighter fluid, it was pretty sweet. I couldn't get a fire going though, since I don't have a Zippo, so they caught me and tried to bring me to the plasma tv, since they suspected that my problem was massive blood loss. I was behind on my required reading, there was only one choice: I had to read aloud chapter 6 of the US Army Survival Manual. This time, I got lucky and it was pretty short, it was just about edible plants and the universal plant edibility test. But I started looking at the pictures at the end and I realized something terribly important: I finally learned what to do with those weird things in my kitchen after seeing "bananas are edible". We were all pumped up then, so there was only one thing left to do: continue hunting for free stuff with the legendary rat pack. We couldn't complete the scavenger hunt for bike enthusiests, but we found a free ganglion. There was no reason to go back home yet as the drunk volleyball game wasn't over. Oh, it's ok though, they were playing volleyball right in front of their houses. They even had a permit for it. So we set out west to see how far we could get before turning back. But, there was a metal grating door in the way since we were too early and the journey west had to be cut short. Anyway, I had to separate from my buddies because I had to complete a personal quest of mine: to learn what is and how to make a french braid. I gave up though because I couldn't imagine a way to end a normal braid without it unraveling itself. I guess braids are just not a realistic thing after all. Having rejected the braid and then stopped believing in the comb, I had to search for my buddies again, but it would be difficult since they were already back at the SGA. The best way to locate them was to head to the center of town, since all roads lead to bones. On the way, I saw that crazy guy who's always everywhere - the man in the yellow questionmark suit. He started shouting his catchprase, but it was ineffective since there were no taxcollectors present. Then we all realized the true importance of the world: Belts in Space..."~

Having caught my attention, I had to speak up, "Wait! Belts in Space?! So that means you too... Hmph, no, it couldn't be. Is there a real point to this story?"

~"ok. maybe there wasn't a point... yet. Let me try to get to one. We sat at the city hall, and began weaving up a storm... of a quilt."~

Now, I knew he was being ridiculous. "I don't think you weave a quilt, Brrraaaahhhhhh."

~"And that's why you won't get the point. Anyway, we had to go to the street market because we needed extra phaser debris. Then there was a cave with a forest inside and a silver whistle with which one would summon Captain Nemo to fight the Communists. After that was over and done with, we split up because we couldn't deal with the smoldering meshes of ash and blood and death. Being emotionally spent, the best place to retire to was the mental hospital, but sadly, it was destructed some years ago, and was now a yard of various rocks, saltpillars, and stuff. To travel there, I had to use my prescient ability to see the correct road and aviod a nexus. Naturally, the best place to do this is in the back of a moving bus, so I tranced and entered the past. This was highly traumatic for me and I was trapped in 12 years ago. Shards of coloured glass were scattered about the floor. The only thing I knew to do was to collect them..."~

I sort of blacked out after this, and when I awoke again, Brosepf was not in sight.

The Lëgend of Speaker Mountain

The following takes place at (80)0929234537

The spirit of GalaxyBeltman reached out from the Belt-Pineapple Plushie and entered my mind and spoke as I meditated that night. "You must know your true purpose, the one that you will decide for yourself through your own free will of accepting of what I say as predetermined destiny! To be able to know Speaker Mountain, you must first know of the origins of Speaker Mountian and its past!"

Suddenly, I found myself away from the unpleasantness of my situation with the SGA, and was nearby the great Speaker Mountain. The mountain brought memories of my father to my mind and I recalled what I needed to know - the secret to the evil speaker corrupting the Mountain. I climbed on top of several speakers, including Infinity Reference Standard V's, Acapella Audio Arts, Acoustic Research AR-9s, and Ohm Walsh F original series. I took a moment to appreciate those since they cannot exist in the present. And finally I found it, the Bose speaker. I brushed the dust aside above the 'o' and discovered a sideways ':'!!! How secretly evil!

I woke up from my meditation having learned the terrible secret. Too afraid to do anything, I stared into the sky all night, shivering, trying to think of more peaceful times back at the fjord....

Important Meëting at Gentlemen's Association

Some of the times and dates when events are taking place are a little ridiculous, so because of this I thought I'd tell you all about my personal feelings and emotions regarding what I figure to be accurate accounts of frue events that will teach people how to live their lives better through studying ancient culture.

Making the journey to Speaker Mountain is very tough, and might take all night and day, so first I decided to stop by my local Strongbottom's Gentlemen's Association. There is always plenty of activity there, such as lifting of large triangular weights. I was about to go and see Strongbottom to get enlightenment about the journey, but I was distracted by the sauna room. I just couldn't resist the idea of a relaxing sauna with gentlemen. I discussed business, politics, beards, and manly affairs with Bruce, Mortimer, Matsam, Bruno, Lance, Julian, and Chuck. Afterwards, we all went out, drank each thirty-eight quarts of beer and ate eight pounds of salted pork. I had to sneak out early so I could eat my Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi. I couldn't let the guys see me eating those as it's not all so manly of a thing to eat. I was feeling all pumped up, so I put on four belts, three about my waist and one on my arm, and went to see the Strongbottom of our Association. He spoke, "I know what you have been doing secretly! Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi! For shame!" I thought, "But...! How...?!" And he knew my thoughts and explained, "Have you forgotten? The watchful muscular eye of Steve Reeves sees all! You have brought shame on yourself! Come back when you once again realize the true way of the Gentleman!" I was feeling pretty down at this point, so I headed back home and meditated about what I had gotten myself into. I had thought that the Gentlemans' Association would have made getting to Speaker Mountain a shoo-in, but there is something else important that I must first learn. I stared at my Belt-Pineapple Plushie and my mind once again wandered into space. What would the great Belt-Man do?

Zero Invörstigation

I don't have any more food stories at the moment, so here is a traditional story about Souffle Fjord.

Indignation! Well, as I say, call me steak and stick a fork in me, because I'm on the lime gelatine. I think that about sums up that issue. Here is progress on... my journey to speaker mountain. I got up early, put on a belt, then put on two more belts, then I stopped and started thinking about space for the rest of the day. I'll have to try to go there again tomorrow as today was... well, I can't say it was a total failure since I did spend a lot of time thinking about space. I also have to figure out solutions to my beard dilemma. That is, the lemma of the beard being there, and the lemma of the beard not being there.

[Director's Cut]