Whoa-Unit

Let me tell you things you already know about visual and aural spacial issues.

As of late, it became normal for my father to be off on frequent business trips. As a natural reaction, I would often find myself in the basement with party decorations everywhere, a noisemaker in my hand silent, the tape recorder running on the cushion next to me, and a movie on the television screen. My gaze went past the screen, failing to absorb the simulacra of train murderers acting with religious overtones. Additional details left uncaptured included ninja practicing their swordwork in such a manner where the tip of the blade does not change position. I blinked a few times and refocused, seeing this time two kinds of trains, the first passing over the second. I identified one as a passenger and the other as a mail delivery train. The interesting feature I noted about the passenger train is that there is room on the bottom where a person can hang on to, riding externally, which is not the case at all for the mail train. Seeing the murderers aboard the train once again, my eyes widen as I realize they are after my father.

~The island was really a desert, but there were still people running around, a helicopter landing, and a huge building in the center of it all – one of those where it looks like internally it’s made up of cave openings arranged in a quadrant layout, and the elevator only reaches the ground level. This was of course a huge problem for me since I was headed up to the third floor. As I ran I could feel something pulling on my ear, as if it was the only force driving me up the stairwell. I entered the classroom and put my dessert on the table near the window where it would wait until snacktime halfway through, then took a seat in the rear of the room. This was the part where normal desk formation no longer applied, and chairs were just lined up at tables pushed against the wall. Children started to flood in and I was a bit nervous about one of them looking for a seat and not being able to find one, but I ignored the problem, and I can only imagine it went away. An instructional video started playing and I began to doze off.~

The train derailed, causing me to spring up from the couch and run outside, where I saw huge pieces of burned metal from the train and various mail scattered about. I gathered up as many packages as I could and opened them up. Highlights included three tall glasses with ice cream sundaes and blue cheese cream dip. I took these and began arranging them as if they were the main attraction of another party – it was really all I knew how to do at the time. The police arrived and I began showing them around and explained my plan of repackaging all the food and mailing it to sad people who aren’t getting their food. They seemed uninterested and the two of them headed into my bathroom where they locked the door. I worried that they suspected I was the train murderer because of how the train landed in my backyard, and I had already stashed a ton of food boxes in my bathroom.

The Silly Business

Today I was feeling a little emotionally depressed, but when I saw all the emails from you guys, I felt a lot better! Also, I went shopping today - I absolutely need to have Moo-fuel; no other drink will cut it for me when eating foods.

The Bro, Brah, and Bru Business is somewhat famous around the Fjord for their activities. Since I just received my chef jacket, I took up their offer they made of me. I could not turn down a deal that included free belts. I began working on doing cooking demonstrations shows, and during that, some other people that I had gotten used to seeing suddenly disappeared and I never saw them again, but I guess that’s just the way things are. I’m fine with people suddenly deciding to never let anyone see them ever again. I’m not some kind of jerk that will start trying to snoop into their lives. Things started looking up for me though when I was offered to go on a trip to the beach! So exciting!

~ The beach was pretty great. I headed out at night since that’s when anything cool that might happen will definitely happen. There was none of that icky green plant goo growing on the water and no pieces of shells or weird objects that might be crap on the sand, so it was okay to just walk along without paying attention. Well, except for this nice soufflé I found just sitting on the ground. I was absolutely sure no one was around, so I totally ate the soufflé. I would say that that was the highlight of the vacation.~

I got back to Bro, Brah, and Bru, I sensed something was amiss. Bru approached me. “We know you have secret plans, but you may want to reconsider after seeing this picture of legally inappropriate behaviour.” He then presented a secret hand drawn picture of me eating the soufflé while on vacation, all done in oil pastels! I was shocked! These things seriously baffle me, I can’t figure out how they work. Within the same box, some of them are like working with chalk, and others are so smudgy they pretty much melt right onto the paper. “So don’t even think about telling Chompowitz about our shady dealings, it will cause you a lot of emotional conflict!” Luckily, I snorkeled away to Soufflé Islet and now everything is fine.

Invöerstigation Forever

I usually feel like exploring whenever I eat Mr. Baron's microwave oven pizzas, so I took a trip over to the local Pizzeria for some extra nightlunch. Imagine the shock on my face when I discovered that the pizza you buy there isn't frozen and in need of microwaving, but it is in fact, ready to eat at time of purchase! Well, at least this is what I found in my camcorder's recording I made of the event. I personally still find it too wild and crazy and I refuse to believe it is true. It's not often that I have actual physical copies of video recordings of my dreams, but I'm hoping for a more realistic dream next time.

I hadn't seen Beltman for some time, and so I had taken up applying myself towards various arts and crafts. During this time I went back some thousand years maybe. Seeing this as an opportunity to bring something wonderful to the world, I decided to invent the world's very first double boiler. And while I was at it, I tried my hand at baking pies. Since Lemon Meringue is a pie with much hidden potential, I tried baking that same pie over and over again. Then one night, on a full moon, I experienced a pie fusion accident. This new pie retained some of the qualities of the Lemon Meringue, but it was also very different. I called this new intense pie the Key Lime Pie...

...with Galaxy Beltman's help, I was once again at the Fjord. Earthquakes and storms were destroying the lands, and the wisemen of SouffleFjord had decided that to find out the nature of these disasters, the One True Speaker must be sought out in the Belt System. This is when I was sent off on my journey to Deception island to find the Interphased Time Warp Facilitator. But first, I thought I would take a relaxing stop at the SGA...

Meanwhile, 10 floors underneath the central administration building of SouffleFjord, the evil Namtleb awoke from endless nightmares and torments, mad with lust for revenge. "I want my amulet back!" Unfortunately, the 10 floor maze was too ridiculously difficult for Namtleb to navigate, and he ultimately decided to end his suffering by teleporting himself into solid rock.

... with Brosepf gone, I activated the Time Warp Facilitator and added the Thorium fuel cells. Having my zippermask and belt-pineapple, I would be safe on this journey. "Goodbye forever, SouffleFjord. If you want to keep in contact, use the following e-mail address."

(P.S. There will be no e-mail address.)

~Some Chomps~

I was at the make-your-own-sandwich sandwich bar, trying to think of a new sandwich to make for myself. Normally, I’m used to having other people make my sandwiches for me, then slice them and handfeed it to me. Naturally, because of this, I was having difficulties constructing a sandwich for myself on the spot. I sort of hesitated, looking at the various ingredients, then starting to move away from them, then glancing back again, reconsidering. In the end, I really didn’t want to have to deal with another incident, so I went to the custom orders booth and placed an order for a premade box sandwich thing. It arrived shortly due to telekinesis. I brought it home with me, and proceeded to eat it. It was pleasing to me well. There was also a packet of some kind of wasabi sauce stuff, but I stuck my nose up at it. I only eat real wasabi.

[premade box sandwich thing]

Cöoldude Production

Here's a classic recipe for my homemade Crab Magoos: First, you'll want to prepare the filling, so dump some cream cheese in a bowl, then mix it with sugar, and half and half. Then add in an egg white or something and beat it until you get peaks. That's when you know it's done. Next, you'll want some tasty dipping sauce, so fill a saucepan with water, then add sugar, heat and dissolve it, then add corn syrup, and pour in some orange liquour. It might crystalize or something, I dunno, so try not to mess up. Lastly, you'll want to make the dough for the crab magoos. I don't know how to do this step.

We had tickets to attend a live production of Still Here With the Wind. It was okay entertainment I guess, but not especially memorable. After it was finished, we exited the second floor balcony, and descended what must’ve been a hundred feet stairwell to the main hall. My friend wanted to climb out of the wooden box to exit to the second level parking lot, so we had to wait about fifteen minutes for him to get through since his body isn’t as flexible as he thought it was. We got in our minivan and drive off to the east side of the complex, and accidentally got on a road that is currently under maintenance. The road, made of hollow bone-shaped rocks, started sinking into the lake, while the construction worker present kindly shouted instructions at us, inquiring what we thought we were doing. Luckily our minivan was able to make the climb back onto normal road, so we were heading north now, and made a stop off at a friend of a friend’s, the home of Lars Cooldude. He wasn’t home at the moment, so we had to break the door down to get in. We took this moment to look around Lars’s place, it was pretty nice. He seemed to be a pretty big fan of high class entertainment. We spent a while looking around, admiring various pieces on display, but then we turned around to see that Lars Cooldude was not gone, but he was standing there, staring at us, a breeze blowing about his mid-length wavy blonde hair and a slightly crazy look in his eyes, but maybe only crazy in that he seems to be showing no emotion. I started to back away from him, and I ended up at a door leading to stairs going up. At first I climbed slowly, but before I knew what had happened, I was running up a tower made of iron stairs with no walls or outer railings, and Lars was trailing behind me while reciting lines from various plays. I reached the top of the tower, out of breath, and I realized that I still need to pick up my key from the key molder above the garbage dump.

The Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Åctivity

I wonder what ever happened to my other jar of nutella.

I was in the Fjordian House of Self-Feeding Activity, enjoying the different foods available for use. I was chomping on some cream cheese based sauces, when I decided to take a look behind me. I saw a man with orange hair wearing a weird gray sweater with a gray square tessellation with squares all over. I turned back around again. The only person I could see now was the Master of the Hall watching us. I questioned the orange haired man, “Do you enjoy eating ridiculous things?”

“My food preferences are not exactly like yours. I am not from the Fjord.”

I was worried about this man being here now. I started to sweat. Something was not right. “Master of the Hall, who is this man? Why is he here?”

“He comes from a people that grow sweaters from the ground, then consume the sweaters for nourishment.”

My arms were shaking at this point. “Orange Haired Man. You do not belong here. This is not your home. Please go back to where you came from.” The room stayed silent and the man stayed where he was.

ßelt System of Deception Island

I fill my plate with garlic shrimp, then go to the fountain and pour into my glass coconut shrimp. I eye out a table and go to sit down. Something catches my eye and I glance away momentarily, but when I return to my meal I find it mysteriously gone. I head off to refill my portions of shrimp, but I experience the same shrimp disappearance a second time. My eyes open and the room is still dark. I walk to the fridge and open it. I notice I have some shrimp. It is all starting to piece together now.

Having been traveling for many days, I finally arrived at Deception Island. With intent to make use of it's Interphased Time Warp Facilitator with Thorium fuel cells, I approached to be blocked by none other than the original member of the SGA - Brosepf Strongbottom.

~"You young folk of the current SGA, huh? You don't know the first thing about real class! Back in the day, we used to be truly classy at the association. I'll have you know some of our activities and shenanigans..."~

I zoned out and my mind began to wander into space, to the belt system, pondering the mystery of Beltman then returned to some awareness at a later time to hear part of Brosepf's story.

~"...help you? Maybe for some chocolate and marshmallow sandwiches. huh... Anyway, when I was thinking about food alot, I had to go watch Comrade X. Then I got all riled up and went into the basement and did arts and crafts. We ended up with a settlers of catan board game. It was pretty cool. What was not cool is that we only had 3 people and we needed 4 for that particular game. So the next day, we got all riled up again and did more arts and crafts. Anyway, we were all upset since the dvd player wasn't working so we ended up playing board games again. So then we went somewhere and watched Hercules: Unchained. Long story short, we got all riled up and cooked an old timey dinner. It was grand. Actually, I don't want to talk about it... well... I just opened up a can of pineapple slices and mandarin oranges...."~

Thinking of fruits like Pineapples, Mandarin Oranges, and Durian really took me back. The Fjord was such a peaceful place... but I came back to awareness of my surroundings once again and asked, "so that's it? Nice story, now pass me a brew-dog."

~"...huh? I'm not done with the story yet. The next part is that we got so riled up that the four of us stopped doing arts and crafts, and instead started power team reading novels. Then they discovered that I wasn't reading my part since I was busy looking at myself in the mirror and doing my hair all the time. They knew I was going too far when I had decieded that it was better to burn off hair than shave. They tried to stop me, but I had escaped. I ran down alleyways, collecting discarded bags of charcoal. I got two bags of the ones presoaked in lighter fluid, it was pretty sweet. I couldn't get a fire going though, since I don't have a Zippo, so they caught me and tried to bring me to the plasma tv, since they suspected that my problem was massive blood loss. I was behind on my required reading, there was only one choice: I had to read aloud chapter 6 of the US Army Survival Manual. This time, I got lucky and it was pretty short, it was just about edible plants and the universal plant edibility test. But I started looking at the pictures at the end and I realized something terribly important: I finally learned what to do with those weird things in my kitchen after seeing "bananas are edible". We were all pumped up then, so there was only one thing left to do: continue hunting for free stuff with the legendary rat pack. We couldn't complete the scavenger hunt for bike enthusiests, but we found a free ganglion. There was no reason to go back home yet as the drunk volleyball game wasn't over. Oh, it's ok though, they were playing volleyball right in front of their houses. They even had a permit for it. So we set out west to see how far we could get before turning back. But, there was a metal grating door in the way since we were too early and the journey west had to be cut short. Anyway, I had to separate from my buddies because I had to complete a personal quest of mine: to learn what is and how to make a french braid. I gave up though because I couldn't imagine a way to end a normal braid without it unraveling itself. I guess braids are just not a realistic thing after all. Having rejected the braid and then stopped believing in the comb, I had to search for my buddies again, but it would be difficult since they were already back at the SGA. The best way to locate them was to head to the center of town, since all roads lead to bones. On the way, I saw that crazy guy who's always everywhere - the man in the yellow questionmark suit. He started shouting his catchprase, but it was ineffective since there were no taxcollectors present. Then we all realized the true importance of the world: Belts in Space..."~

Having caught my attention, I had to speak up, "Wait! Belts in Space?! So that means you too... Hmph, no, it couldn't be. Is there a real point to this story?"

~"ok. maybe there wasn't a point... yet. Let me try to get to one. We sat at the city hall, and began weaving up a storm... of a quilt."~

Now, I knew he was being ridiculous. "I don't think you weave a quilt, Brrraaaahhhhhh."

~"And that's why you won't get the point. Anyway, we had to go to the street market because we needed extra phaser debris. Then there was a cave with a forest inside and a silver whistle with which one would summon Captain Nemo to fight the Communists. After that was over and done with, we split up because we couldn't deal with the smoldering meshes of ash and blood and death. Being emotionally spent, the best place to retire to was the mental hospital, but sadly, it was destructed some years ago, and was now a yard of various rocks, saltpillars, and stuff. To travel there, I had to use my prescient ability to see the correct road and aviod a nexus. Naturally, the best place to do this is in the back of a moving bus, so I tranced and entered the past. This was highly traumatic for me and I was trapped in 12 years ago. Shards of coloured glass were scattered about the floor. The only thing I knew to do was to collect them..."~

I sort of blacked out after this, and when I awoke again, Brosepf was not in sight.

ßandwich βtory

I open my eyes after having lain down for a few moments. My vision is still blurry. I look at the clock, it reads 12:00, but as I stare for a few moments, I see 4:30. All of my chocolate milk has just expired.

I went to this one house, they were having some sort of party or something. But the line for food was really long. And there was this guy who apparently didn't want the food he took, so he was trying to pass off his plate to other people. What a jerk. Why would I want the food he took? And there was this ridiculously huge dinner roll on it too. It didn't look like a good one either. Looked really hard and stale. So anyway, they had beef sandwiches at the food table. I guess that's kind of what you have to expect at these things. Looking back, I should've dipped the dinner roll into the beef juice, that would've made everything all better. Only thing was though, I'm not sure I would have had the time or nerve to perform such a maneuver, especially with such stressful conditions. Looking into that bowl of beef in juice... it can really get intimidating. Everything almost stops moving, and it feels like I'm looking back on my life. All my previous beef sandwich experiences. Back in the day, I used to go to the shop and order the beef juice sandwich. It was a lot cheaper than the real thing, but you still get most of the good parts. The bread soaked in juice is really great, even without beef. I wish, I could be back there, but it no longer exists. I have to return to the reality set in front of me. I take the scoop and just place some beef into my bread, not bothering with the juice. I guess I couldn't handle having a juice heavy beef sandwich at the time. After I got back, I notice my sandwich is hard to eat, since it is kind of on the dry side. So anyway, overall, it was really boring, everyone just sat down at chairs placed around. And since there were no tables, it was awkward to handle the plate and the food you want to eat at the same time.

The Lëgend of Speaker Mountain

The following takes place at (80)0929234537

The spirit of GalaxyBeltman reached out from the Belt-Pineapple Plushie and entered my mind and spoke as I meditated that night. "You must know your true purpose, the one that you will decide for yourself through your own free will of accepting of what I say as predetermined destiny! To be able to know Speaker Mountain, you must first know of the origins of Speaker Mountian and its past!"

Suddenly, I found myself away from the unpleasantness of my situation with the SGA, and was nearby the great Speaker Mountain. The mountain brought memories of my father to my mind and I recalled what I needed to know - the secret to the evil speaker corrupting the Mountain. I climbed on top of several speakers, including Infinity Reference Standard V's, Acapella Audio Arts, Acoustic Research AR-9s, and Ohm Walsh F original series. I took a moment to appreciate those since they cannot exist in the present. And finally I found it, the Bose speaker. I brushed the dust aside above the 'o' and discovered a sideways ':'!!! How secretly evil!

I woke up from my meditation having learned the terrible secret. Too afraid to do anything, I stared into the sky all night, shivering, trying to think of more peaceful times back at the fjord....

Important Meëting at Gentlemen's Association

Some of the times and dates when events are taking place are a little ridiculous, so because of this I thought I'd tell you all about my personal feelings and emotions regarding what I figure to be accurate accounts of frue events that will teach people how to live their lives better through studying ancient culture.

Making the journey to Speaker Mountain is very tough, and might take all night and day, so first I decided to stop by my local Strongbottom's Gentlemen's Association. There is always plenty of activity there, such as lifting of large triangular weights. I was about to go and see Strongbottom to get enlightenment about the journey, but I was distracted by the sauna room. I just couldn't resist the idea of a relaxing sauna with gentlemen. I discussed business, politics, beards, and manly affairs with Bruce, Mortimer, Matsam, Bruno, Lance, Julian, and Chuck. Afterwards, we all went out, drank each thirty-eight quarts of beer and ate eight pounds of salted pork. I had to sneak out early so I could eat my Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi. I couldn't let the guys see me eating those as it's not all so manly of a thing to eat. I was feeling all pumped up, so I put on four belts, three about my waist and one on my arm, and went to see the Strongbottom of our Association. He spoke, "I know what you have been doing secretly! Shigekikkusu Jet Mega IQ Sour Gummi! For shame!" I thought, "But...! How...?!" And he knew my thoughts and explained, "Have you forgotten? The watchful muscular eye of Steve Reeves sees all! You have brought shame on yourself! Come back when you once again realize the true way of the Gentleman!" I was feeling pretty down at this point, so I headed back home and meditated about what I had gotten myself into. I had thought that the Gentlemans' Association would have made getting to Speaker Mountain a shoo-in, but there is something else important that I must first learn. I stared at my Belt-Pineapple Plushie and my mind once again wandered into space. What would the great Belt-Man do?

Zero Invörstigation

I don't have any more food stories at the moment, so here is a traditional story about Souffle Fjord.

Indignation! Well, as I say, call me steak and stick a fork in me, because I'm on the lime gelatine. I think that about sums up that issue. Here is progress on... my journey to speaker mountain. I got up early, put on a belt, then put on two more belts, then I stopped and started thinking about space for the rest of the day. I'll have to try to go there again tomorrow as today was... well, I can't say it was a total failure since I did spend a lot of time thinking about space. I also have to figure out solutions to my beard dilemma. That is, the lemma of the beard being there, and the lemma of the beard not being there.

[Director's Cut]