Tactical Piquenick

I have a Pulli that has “Starved Rock” written across the front. You know, people always have things written on their clothes. I think it’s kind of stupid for the most part. I also have a Pulli with my birthday on it. I mean, that’s kind of neat. So, it could be neat, too, reader. But, my idea was: instead of reading what it does now, my Pulli should read on the front “Starved Ra”.

I was outside in a field during in a wonderful day. Everything was beautiful and perfect for the picnic I had planned. Tables were set up in table organization. Everything was relatively very passive. I set some snacks on the tables, but at this point I think the snack situation wasn’t so great; just some chips with nutella dip. By examining some of the food too much, I offended some of my guests already present: Charleston, Curator of Thunder; Bruno Cecilson, Bro; and Chompowitz, Invorstigator. Hearing the bus arrive with more of my picnic guests, I headed over to greet them.

~“Now, I can explain. I have somewhat of a notable background in food things, and I can tell you about how it works. The most important tip for a new food-person is not to overcrowd the pan. I can’t stress that enough. I mean, it’s important. The other tip is to have some secret ingredients that you can rely on.”
“You still haven’t given us an explanation, you know.”
“Yeeaaah... I need to head back to the washroom now.”~

The ecstatic guests got off the bus and were new to the picnic. They greeted me with hugs and excited remarks, because I’m cool like that, and brought some stuff; the stuff they brought was supposed to be gifts and food for the picnic I guess (one gift I thought was especially nice was an aloe vera (I think this one’s going to get out of hand pretty soon though (I’ve had experiences (it kept growing (these things grow way too fast, jeez (in retrospect, maybe I left it alone and stopped paying attention to it for too long at a time (I’m not good with keeping track of time))) way too much!) with aloe vera before))), but I had other plans. Due to a deal I had sealed earlier in the day with Thunder Curator Charleston, it began raining. This rain was really intense. It’s the kind of rain that makes you think “I really want to go inside. I know I don’t need to, but I’d really like to, and so I’m going to act on these thoughts.”. I planned this picnic to be next to a church, so I herded everyone inside. Once there, I turned to the group and spoke, “Oh, look everyone. Some sort of religious ceremony is taking place. Let’s participate in it. It’ll be fun. Who knows what’ll happen? Maybe we’ll all bond with each other, maybe we’ll start believing what the rest of these religioners are believing, maybe we’ll just have a grand time!” I don’t know what went wrong, but I tried to get them to all participate and before I knew it, I couldn’t find any of my picnickers. It’s like they all disappeared.

Nightlunch

I looked in my mail earlier this today and I saw that several readers are apparently displeased with my internotes. The advice given to improve things is nonsensical and often contradictory, but regardless I will try my best to incorporate this into future posts.

It was getting late, and we all needed some good chomps. Dinner was out of the question, as it had just passed midnight. If I had suggested having dinner, I would have had appeared quite the buffoon. We started rummaging around for eats. I filled a bowl with frozen fruits, pineapples, peaches, melons, and strawberries, and was about to begin chomping down when I started having second thoughts. I checked the original bag: “Ideal for: Baking, Smoothies, Toppings, Snacking”. Yes, it was in fact okay to do what I was about to do. I put on several belts in preparation, and sat down at the table ready for nightlunch.

~It is important to consider for refrigerator/freezer management what to do when running into certain situations. For example, if you were to find a tub labeled “Potato Water”, your life is at serious risk if you drink it. It also probably tastes like fish.~

“Hey man! I don't THINK so! I don't THINK so!”
“Dude, bro, man.” A heckler had arrived. As exciting an incident this was, I really had to use the washroom at this point, so I got up and engaged in self-palliation. Someone else came in too and used the stall next to me, causing me to worry that I might not make it out in time. It would be disasterous for my reputation if this other person were to finish before me, so I quickly got up and left, leaving my belts undone. I must have been gone for a while because the cookies staled. I felt a little awkward when I sat back down, so I started trying to quickly adjust my belts without anyone noticing. It’s kind of difficult and I was losing track of what else was happening at the table when suddenly my attention was seized by a comment addressed towards me.
“We have to talk to you about what you’ve been doing at night lately.”

A Fully Tilting Fjultry

I’m working on a bit of a time-chomp here, so please forgive any minor inaccuracies. I try my best, and I hope we’ll all have a good year together!

I arrived at the Nuclear Power Plant Museum, and decided to take a tour. I’m always interested in learning stuff. They gave me the children’s discount, so I mentally awarded myself the trophy for most efficient use of money per amount of nuclear power plant knowledge gained. I couldn’t have been more proud of moiself. Inside the museum, it was kind of lame though. All the walls were clean and bright white with a weird carpet. I couldn’t tell what color this thing was. Maybe it was red, or blue or purple, maybe orange or burgundy? It was really confusing to me. Anyway, most of the place was kind of empty looking, so I took out a pineapple and my hobby knife box set then got to work. This one was going to be good since there were no studded belts on it. I remember one time I got a tactical pineapple on my hands, let me tell you....

~I know you’re interested in how ex-birthdays came into being. Well, when Thunder Curator Charleston first made his descent, he needed a way to mix cocoa without having to heat up his water. Oh wait, I forgot about the beginning part. Thunder Curator Charleston was first invented by Robotsk in space. Not directly of course, that would be ridiculous. Robotsk can’t be involved directly in these matters. The forty seven-thousand-three hundred-thirty-fourth polishing robot did this when it realized that it needed some more ridiculous chomps. So basically, Thunder Curator Charleston was particularly fond of artwork so he devised a way to get his hands on an excellent painting. He would have an ex-birthday in honour of himself to receive gifts.~

...but it was actually steel wool all along. I couldn’t believe it. So as I was saying, I was eating my pineapple snack in the museum when I noticed the vending machines. They had one of those awesome ones with the suction grabber and the ice cream. I always love these, so I got myself a banana peanut butter bar. This definitely satisfied me, so I made a quick visit to the washroom, then walked in the direction of the incinerator.

Anders geschmackt

Okay, I know you guys have been worried about your preorders of the cookbook, since you’ve already put money down for it, but I’m almost finished now, I swear. I’ve been busy writing, editing and doing minor touch-ups, and I’ve got the book cover art finalized. I feel confident that this is going to be my finest work yet.

I just got finished using the washroom, and after washing my hands, I first walked to the bacon dispenser. It was only blowing hot air today, so I stepped one down to the pizza dispenser and got myself a slice of sausage, mushroom and spinach, taking bites out of it as I strolled outside.

~No, it didn’t taste quite right yet. It needed to absorb more water still, but I could hardly contain myself. My mushroom pilaf risotto was nearing completion.~

Mm, for washroom pizza, it really hit the spot. I tossed the paper plate it came on into a trash can I passed by. It looked like some dust storms were up ahead, but then I realized I was in some sort of underground facility, and the ventilation shafts were in terrible shape – all orange and rusty-looking. I heard something approach, and I could only assume it was a robot, so I began frantically ripping open some couch cushions to be able to escape.

~I was starting to panic! I couldn’t have only a single dish at my dinner party. I dug around on some shelves for something else to cook up. Maybe I could use this cocoa powder I’ve had sitting around...? No, this wasn’t a time for food experiments, I’d just cook this package of noodles I found and be done with it, not forgetting to load the frying pan with extra butter, though.~

I crawled my way out, and during the process I had a flashback to my old days of exploring blanket caves with miniature flashlights and deviled egg spaceships. Things just ain’t the way they used to be. I was now in a bunker with other people standing around, doing some sort of study, but I had no time for this, so I ran outside while I felt my body change from its ridiculous state into a zombie state. I turned the corner and nearly bumped into a man.

~My guests had arrived! I sat them down, all proper-like, and slopped some risotto and noodles onto their plates. It was in honor of Bruno’s ex-birthday, so we were all ready for merry-making. Bruno asked me for a fruit smoothie, so I headed off to the kitchen and got out the bag of frozen fruits. I didn’t feel quite up to it, so I just grabbed a bowl and dumped in frozen fruit to taste, then gave it to him like that, sure he wouldn’t mind. I sat down just in time to hear one of my guests voicing a complaint about my noodle dish not being made with magic finger noodles. I looked his way to receive quite a shock when I recognized who it was.~

A man in a long double-breasted beige coat was looking at me. “I am Invorstigator Chompowitz, and I have a request to make of you.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“I thought you’d say as much. But I know your secret: you secretly smash up your food and spread it across your plate to make it appear as if you have eaten more than you actually have.”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”
“Excellent. So you’ll be heading to the Nuclear Power Plant Museum then?”
“No way, man! You’re freaking me out!”

~I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was the Barley Chef! My excitement quickly changed however when I saw how he was handling his food – with all five fingers on his hand, not leaving any fingers clean just in case of an emergency. I don’t want unsanitary behaviours in my home so I kicked him out right there. Also because he insulted my noodles.~

Whivorbeskrandsetizkreiter Esculent

Great news! I received my first donation from a reader! With 20 bucks from one Miss Lauren Campbell-Jackson, I am well on my way to being able to live without worry of robots. The rest of you had better pony up. And fast.

Lots of people dressed in Victorian clothes were presented to my vision upon completion of the surrounding-examination process. I also noticed weird water or oil streaks on the ground. They were a bright blue, and I could see the liquid flowing. The grass was a dark green, and it felt like it had rained recently, but I couldn’t tell for certain. I don’t want to be accidentally making things up here. The circular platform I was on was cut off by empty space surrounding it, and my visibility isn’t great enough such that I could see anything in the distance besides a nice soothing blue gradient backdrop. In the center of the platform was another empty space, but in the center of it was something tasty. I could smell the flavor molecules coming towards me....

~Well, I was in my backyard, and my neighbour just installed a whip cream swimming pool. Naturally, since I am more passionate than my neighbour about these things, I advised him to put a cover on the pool since it was due to rain later that day. He then invited me to join him in the pool, but I had a mental breakdown at the thought of the pool being soiled by people being inside it. Then I woke up in the hospital and looked at my left arm, to see a nurse sewing up a part of my skin. I asked what happened, but no one would tell me....~

Around me were broken down stone structures, and people, they were floating, gathering in groups of mostly two or three, making motions rapid, but never five or more. I realize their placement on the ground isn’t correct by my high standards, some are floating above it, some are halfway inside the ground, and they’re ghosts. I came across a bottleneck where a ghost with a book made out of bandages attached to his arm with the characters “MEXL” written on it is talking about things. Noticing the blue oil splotches again, I had to start clubbing them with the weird thing in my hand. I didn’t accomplish anything, but a decision had to be made.

Chomperical

Recently it has come to my attention that robots are a potentially dangerous threat to my well-being. As a result, I’ve been looking into acquiring some materials to build an article of robot armor for my self. Now, ideally, I would like to build an armor out of either grade 5 or 38 titanium of thickness of 3 inches with carbon fibers threaded throughout and external diamond coating. All this will then be built on top of a polyester jacket to allow for casual wearing. My robot armor will be kind of expensive so I am accepting donations from my readers in order to see its completion.

I just exited the house when I was presented by the world with a chainlink fence running in front of my face. Usually these are of good quality, but this one had lots of metal cord ends sticking out. The entire fence had sort of a wavy bendy quality to it. I blame it on poor writing. Well, anyway, I was walking alongside it, and my gaze was attached to it, causing my stride to inadvertently angle towards the fence. I continued to take steps forward, causing my eye to come in contact with one of the metal barbs, getting pierced, then sliced across and scratching the side of my face along to my ear. The whole matter probably inconvenienced me only a fraction of a second though. Arriving at a break in the fencing, I entered and saw a concrete loftcube in a large crater. I realize this was probably someone else’s home, but I think it’s my duty to enter the homes of various people and explore them. All that there was available to eat was some sodypop and clay, which is rather bland for my tastes, so I took out my trusty bottle of cock sauce and had myself one fine chow time. Reminded me of the days when I used to wear the old nosebag.

~...~

Our auto stopped for some reason, unable to continue, probably because it stopped. I deboard and am next to a construction site with a large chainlink fence going alongside it. A dirt path leads through, so I walked through; it’s okay I guess, other people were visiting here too. As I got to the entrance, a group of naked people covered in a cloud of mud comes into my field of vision. They were heading north, but not actually moving, so I decided to head north myself. It got to be dark in the evening, and I notice that in my possession is the framework for a pyramid with a lit up bluish/whitish corepiece. I started to wonder about it, and I notice a guy standing next to me so I bug him about it: “do you think you could see this from 700 meters away, perhaps vertical distance too?” “Uh, I guess so.” That seemed to satisfy my curiosity for the moment and I didn’t think any further on the matter.

Hungry! I like eating food!

I’m uneasy about posting right now, because I don’t want to set up a precedent that when readers pester me, I respond with an internote post immediately. But I also have progress about the reprint of my cookbook: there is no new progress.

I gave away all my brownies, so I was sort of feeling depressed. I left the house, and continued in the direction I was heading and soon I reached a three way intersection. There were a bunch of trees on one side of the street, maybe it was a forest preserve or a park. A bunch of people were standing there, so I had to discuss with one of them about how to observe decision processes. And by discuss, I mean we each took turns, one person explains their arguments and the other side takes out headphones and rocks out to some tuneskis, then goms;;u, the side that was able to say the most words without repetition holds correctness. I won of course. The other guy didn’t even utter a word. After this, we headed down east. The sidewalk was all smashed and torn up in disrepair. Some slabs were raised, exposing dirt underneath corners. An occasional tree root was visible. It got to be what must have been a few hours, so we all decided to head back in an auto one of the people happened to bring with.

~“Let’s open our next letter here... oh I get so excited reading these! Hmm... ‘Dear Barley Chef: I was exercising my creativity the other day, and I came up with a brilliant idea! I love to eat soups, but I needed a delicious new noodle to make it extra special. And then it hit me: to make a barley noodle...’”. The television grew silent for a moment, and I watched a grave look come over Barley Chef’s face. “I’m terribly sorry everyone, but the Barley Chef Hour is cancelled forthwith.”~

I felt on top of the world after that swig of milk, but I really had to use the washroom. Some guy was sitting in the corner, facing the wall, and crying while eating something. Next to him I saw a couple brownies sitting on the floor. This scene got me kind of hungry, so I pulled out my plate of brownies and started working on those. I felt it was sort of a special moment the two of us had. Just enjoying some excellent chomps. Neither of us said a word to the other, but we didn’t need to. I think we both understood each other without speaking by means of the brownies.