Bacon substitutes

I found myself craving a BLT, but I've never cooked bacon and I wasn't sure we had any. But I did find a can of bacon-flavored SPAM. The result was this:

I'm sure it would have tasted just as good with regular SPAM, but I wanted the vague bacon flavor to remind me of what I wasn't actually eating.

It's worth noting that the SPAM is much more consistent to lay on the bread, as actual bacon requires time-consuming, careful placement for a comfortable-to-wield sammich. And this was one comfortable-to-wield sammich.

I Understand and I Wish to Continue

Usually I'm good at eating the foods I make and not getting sick. This was not the case last week when I decided to use a can of spam I bought (it was an accident, I swear). I started off with sourdough bread, cut it in half, and hallowed it out a bit. After pouring extra virgin olive oil on one side, I put some sort of cheese I totally don't remember the name of on it, and then pieces of spam I carved out of the block from the can. On the other side, I poured on some mushroom tomato sauce. I microwaved the whole thing for maybe half a minute, then put butter pickle slices in too. It seemed like it was going well at the time...

[a bad sandwich]

I made another sandwich a few days later. It was a meatball sub, but I didn't care for the bread. And also I was still not feeling so well from the first sandwich. Some things happened, so I didn't take a picture.

Small Big-Sandwich Internote

After eating all those sandwiches last time, I was excited to eat some more sandwiches at a different place and internote again. This time, the sandwiches are from Silver Mine Subs. I used to pass by the place all the time without really realizing it is a sandwich shop, but this time things are different.
(note: I ate the large size of all of these sandwiches)

Steam Engine - This was the first sandwich I got. Unlike the last place, they sell warm sandwiches in addition to ones with only cold meats. The Steam Engine is a meatball sub. There was some other stuff on it too, like maybe peppers or onions or whatever, but the main thing here is the meatballs. I thought it was a good sandwich, although I messed up and dropped half of mine on the floor and it got a bit messy, but I ate it just the same.

Lawless Leadville - A turkey and ham sandwich. It's good that there was both turkey and ham, because I think it there was only one, especially if it was just the turkey, it would have been really lame.

Dodge City - It's a tasty pepperoni and salami sandwich. The vinegar makes the lettuce taste especially vinegary if the pepperoni and salami wasn't enough for you.

Tombstone - The Tombstone is kind of a plain boring turkey sandwich. I thought it needed some bbq or cock sauce when I was eating it. It's like the leadville, but they took out the ham and added in sprouts, which is stupid, even if the sprouts don't get in the way like that other beach-themed sandwich. If you need to eat something because you're hungry, and not because you want to taste some flavor molecules something, this will do it.

Georgetown - I don't remember anything about this one. I see a piece of bacon in my picture though, so maybe this was a turkey bacon sandwich, in which case I can already say it's way better than the Tombstone. There might be a better bacon sandwich available, but this is the only one I've had so far from this place.

I actually ate these sandwiches probably over 2 weeks ago and haven't been there since. I probably won't be going back there either so I decided just to make the internote now with what I currently had to work with.

Big Big-Sandwich Internote

I once made an internote about a sandwich I ate at this sandwich shop, and now I've finally finished what I started. I ate every interesting thing on the menu, which means everything but the vegetarian sandwich and the smaller versions of the big sandwiches, and now I'm ready to write my thoughts on it. Oh, by the way, it's a sandwich shop called Jimmy Johns which probably doesn't exist where you are.
(note: some of the pictures may/may not match up with what the actual sandwich is, because I'm not a very good sandwich archivist)
(also note: I ate all these on the normal sub sandwich bread, not that weird 7 grain stuff)

J.J.B.L.T.® - This is the sandwich with just bacon on it. It's one of the smaller ones. It's good though, I liked it, but I might consider having it as an addition to another sandwich in the future instead of by itself.

#7 GOURMET SMOKED HAM CLUB - This is basically a bunch of ham with some cheese and other sandwich things. So it's a ham sandwich and I like that. Nothing wrong here.

#8 BILLY CLUB® - This one was roast beef with ham. It's supposed to have mustard on it too, I don't remember that. I really didn't like it though; something was wrong. I would not get this one again. Also, I think the name is stupid.

#9 ITALIAN NIGHT CLUB® - This is an interesting one because it has ham, capicola, and salami. Those are some good sandwich meats and they make a great sandwich. This is one of the best sandwiches here.

#10 HUNTER'S CLUB® - I think this is the first sandwich I ever ate at this place. It has a bunch of roast beef, so if you're in the mood for chomping through only a bunch of roast beef, this is it. Oh, also, I like cold-sandwich roast beef sandwiches a lot better than those ones where the roast beef is hot and you need to ladle it into the bread right there on the spot. Sometimes it has peppers in the beef too with those ones. Don't know how I feel about that.

#11 COUNTRY CLUB® - This one is a turkey and ham sandwich. I don't know, I guess it was a good sandwich. I really don't remember.

#12 BEACH CLUB® - I hated this sandwich so much! When I got it, I was expecting fun and good times for the whole family, but it really was a pain to eat. It's a turkey sandwich, but the interesting part is that there's cucumber, avocado spread, and sprouts on top. I actually like cucumbers, so I'm fine with that. Avocado is sort of weird. I don't particularly like it, but I don't hate it either. I mean, I wouldn't ever go out of my way to eat some avocado, but if I see it there, I'll eat it and enjoy it. The sprouts are what made this a bad sandwich. They're all just resting on top there, and every time I try to take a bite, they get all up in my face. It was pretty annoying.

#14 BOOTLEGGER CLUB® - A roast beef and turkey sandwich. Nothing weird here. (now that I finished seeing what pictures I have for which sandwiches, and looking at how much I had to say about this one, I feel that I have to question whether I actually ate this one too)

#15 CLUB TUNA® - Now, I like tuna sandwiches, I've made them before for myself, but something was wrong here with the tuna in a sub. I really didn't like the mushiness of the tuna in my sandwich, and I also didn't really care for the consistency of their tuna mix either. Also, although I ate this one right away when I got it, I question its ability to hold up over time if I were to toss it in the fridge for a few hours or overnight before eating it.

#16 CLUB LULU® - This is one of the bacon sandwiches. It also has turkey in it. But what's important is the bacon. Actually, now, looking back, I don't remember if I ate this one or not... I'd probably like it though.

#17 ULTIMATE PORKER™ - This is the other bacon sandwich. This time, it's bacon and ham, which I think go well together. Other than that, it's just a good sandwich, and probably one of the best ones out of the sandwich choices it's listed with.

THE J.J. GARGANTUAN® - Basically, it's all the other sandwiches combined, except for the tuna (which is good), the weird beach club sillybusiness (also good), and the bacon (bad). So that's why I was sure to tell them to add bacon to it when I ordered it. In all, there was salami, ham, capicola, roast beef, turkey, and bacon, along with the other sandwich basics. This sandwich pretty much makes all the others obsolete, although if you get it, make sure you're ready for a bit of a commitment as it could take a few hours to work through if you can't maintain a state of being really hungry throughout the entire eating process.

Lastly, I ate one of the cookies there and a bag of chips. The chips were BBQ flavor, and rather unremarkable. They had the store logo on them, which was nice, and it is important for sandwich shops to offer chips. The cookie was actually pretty good. Large cookies work a lot better when they're chewy. Also, I prefer chewy cookies.

Closed Tuna Melt

Tuna melts are good, but sometimes, I'm too lazy to make them correctly. This is the result:

[Sandwich]

- hwhite bread slices
- sandwich pickle slices
- cold tuna (not for cats)
- mayonnaise
- maybe some pepper
- provolone cheese
- toasting element
- general heating element

First, open the tuna, drain out the liquid and replace it with mayonnaise by mixing. Then either cool it or hope that it was already cold so you don't have to wait. Apply toasting to the bread, and it will become two toast pieces. I don't like trouble, so I put the cheese on the bread right now and apply some heat to get it melty. Finally, slop on the tuna mix and lay the pickle slices on top then cover with the other toast piece. This sandwich is pretty good, I ate like, 3 or 4 of them.

Delicious Baconated Sandwich

I needed an intro to a food article, so I decided to list the ingredients instead of starting off a story about how I saw some impressive bacon food item or was hungry and invented a sandwich:

- 2 toasted white bread slices
- butter to cover one slice
- provolone cheese to cover the other
- glob of mayonnaise covering butter
- bacon bits dumped over cheese
- combine into one sandwich

[Baconated Sandwich]

The butter gives the sandwich the familiar taste of buttered bread, which makes me think, "I know this; it is familiar to me.", leading me on to feel safe about the forthcoming powerful taste of the provolone cheese. The more subdued buttered toast flavor has been lost around this point, which is good, because this allows the bread to not interfere with anything else but only act as the vessel for the insides. The bacon will now take effect. Since it is crumbly, it has intermingled with the mayonnaise a bit, giving it a somewhat creamy feel, but still bacony. The active flavors sort of alternate between cheese and bacon for the remainder of the sandwich. I'm not going to try to be cool and say it was disgusting eating this. It was delicious. I hope to eat more baconated food items in the future.

Hero Sandwich

I like eating sandwiches, so when I had one from Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, I was understandably excited. The thing that separates these heroes from others is that they have bread and meat, and then some other stuff like onions and junk. It's one of those places where you buy a sandwich and go immediately to an extended metal windowsill that is supposed to function as a table with no chairs or stools, then unwrap your sandwich and eat it while reflecting on your favorite sports team or the hand drawn city map of questionable accuracy hanging on the wall. More often though, you'll just want to take your food and head out, then sit on the grassy field across the street. You'll then think about why you didn't want to buy a soda or a bag of Vitner's as you watch your friend complain about too much ice in the drink, which you completely agree about, reader. After discussing band music during the meal (I'd give it about twenty minutes (ten per each half (I'm assuming you ordered one whole) of the sandwich)), you may wonder about the party store in the distance, but then realize you've had enough silly business for today and head off for the liquor store.

[Hero Sandwich]

Sandwich Time ist over.

I invented a food teleporter for sending food long distances, but I had mixed feelings about it. After it scans the food item and replicates it at the destination, it destroys the original. Was the food actually teleported? I don’t want such a device to exist in this world.

After a sandwich is gone, I lose track of time. My autowandering took over, and I arrived at an underground room with shiny steel walls, and rusty bolts along seams. On all the sides of the bolts, blue goo was present. I went through the tunnels at the end of the room and took a left turn, arriving at the information room. A glass panel was on the wall, and through it, packages passed by on a conveyer belt. I turned towards my mailboxen, but first noticed the newspaper stand nearby. I picked up my favorite, and took a look through to see if I could find anything. There were some ads for vacations in the fjords, and also articles on food etiquette. Something about the food article seemed familiar to me, so I checked it out.

~... but be careful. Once you reach the center, you cannot continue eating. To do so would be a serious mealtime faux pas. If you need help, just try to imagine you are eating artichoke hearts. So in the future, please plan out your strategy for eating cinnamon rolls ahead of time so you don’t get backed into a corner at the dinner table.~

I noticed that I was the one that wrote the article. I put my pen down, and snipped a coupon for some mushrooms. I always love a good mushroom deal.

music to accompany the internote: Cinema Bizarre - Love Songs (They Kill Me).

Comes Full Sandwich (Part 1).

I used to make my hot chocolate with heavy cream, but later on I began using skim milk. Now recently, I’m using water, and I don’t even heat it up.

It’s freezing today. I walked over to see if the window was left open. If it had been open, that would be just nuts since it would mean it’s been like that for several months now. Anyway, it turns out that it’s open a crack and a draft is coming in. Now, I’ve been suspicious about this draft for a while now, but I never attempted to confirm it was in fact there. I tried to close the window more, but it looks like it’s as far shut as it can get. This is ridiculous. I considered for a moment caulking it shut, but I have memories of it being summer and still too hot even with a system of multiple fans circulating air through. I want to avoid any problems down the line, so I reconsider.

I put on my shoes that have metal bolts in the soles, to prevent slipping on ice and scratch nice floors, then head out. It actually doesn’t happen often, but when the ground is all icy, I find myself having trouble keeping my footing while walking around. What’s worse about this is that on these days, the grass might also be muddy, making both foot-travel options not look so great. As I walked outside, I noticed all the icicles hanging on the trees. They look to me more like one large connected system of ice, rather than individual icicles you could break off and have the rest left alone. As I looked at it, my mind went back to previous winters. Standing at the stop for pubtransing, we found a huge icicle hanging off of a house. This one was a few feet in length and broke off easily for our time-killing icicle duels. The snow was piled pretty high next to the street, but it was still fresh. When snow is sitting too long next to the street, it tends to collect a lot of dirt and become a really nasty sort of slush. Just thinking about it made me remember a time I was walking eastward to catch a bus earlier for better seat selection. I don’t particularly have great perception when it comes to keeping track of what vehicles are coming, I was only concerned really about a bus, but I should have made note of this one. A snow plow was heading towards my group. It came closer and since it’s moving at a decent speed, it picks up all the slush sitting by the curb. A huge black wall of the dirty slush formed and came at us, like a wave of death. I really couldn’t think to do anything about it; I didn’t know how I could possibly get out of the way. I was left covered in the cold slush, and it made for a very unpleasant hour on the bus going back home. I took my gaze back from the icicles on the tree and continue walking on. I had some worries in the back of my mind still. Scenarios played out where the whole thing of sharp ice would come crashing down on top of me. I noticed myself walking in an arc slightly more away from the tree, even though I know I was far enough away from it so there would never be a problem.

I headed north now, and I started wondering what time it was now. I had forgotten to check what time I woke up at, but previous experience waking up told me that it more likely was around 04:00 to 05:00. I felt comfortable with how much time was left in the day, and it helped me to keep going. I passed by one of my favorite sandwich places, Agarish Chomps, and decided to stop in. It’s sort of a tradition for me to go there anyway, and I’m not one to break with traditions. I took a look around. They had the usual selection of chips and snack mixes sitting on shelves. I didn’t particularly feel much for those today, even if they had my flavor. I turned my attention to the large menu of different sandwiches available for my selection. I know that lately, it’s popular to always mix artichokes with spinach, so I decided to try that out on a roast beef sandwich. Some people say that the roast beef sandwich signifies something fancy, or that it carries with a meaning of this meal being more important than meals eaten on most days. For me, personally, that holds some truth. Eating a roast beef sandwich is a real experience that most other foods don’t match up to. Of course, there are fancier foods, but roast beef has its own unique place. When my sandwich was finally ready, I took it with me so I could eat it while traveling. For some reason, it never really occurs to me to eat food I buy at the location of purchase, even at places that have a really nice comfortable set up.

I unwrapped my sandwich from the paper, and began eating it while walking. So good. It reminds me of the old pizza and can of soda deal for two bucks. But my true passion is sandwiches, not pizza, even if pizzas are really nice. One of my dreams is to one day own a sandwich shop, a super fun food house. I started dreaming about this as I took bites out of my sandwich. In my mind, the main problem with my plan, though, is designing a nice welcoming setting. Most people only like places that they’re familiar with from early in their lives, so I’m already at a disadvantage here. Even if my design is somehow much better than those of other shops, nearly everyone will prefer one they’ve been familiar with for a longer time.

As I continued walking on, after my sandwich had been finished for a while already, I began to wonder, just where exactly I was heading. I didn’t know at the time, but I would never know the reason I went on this walk.

music to accompany the internote: OMD – Tesla Girls.

History of Sandwichs

I've actually never really liked food. I only eat it because I kind of have to. Well, at least that's what I've sort been trained into doing. If I was brought into existence in a world by myself with no other people to influence me, I don't think I would decide to eat food.

I found these sandwiches that are in plastic boxes. Being a fan of the sandwich, I decided to try it out. It was labeled "BEEF" because of the sandwich's flavor. This was a pretty basic sandwich. Some lettuce, some tomato slices, a bunch a beef, no sauce, bread not grilled or soaked in eggs or anything. After getting home, I opened up the container and took a bite of it and put it away. I only need one bite of any food for taste testing purposes. I'm not some robot that needs to keep eating sandwiches from now until the end of time.

[BEEF Sandwich]

One Hundred Ten Photographs.

I always think on things I see in front of me. Usually this involves food, but today, I found myself standing in front of the Library. It’s been starting to snow more heavily lately, so I felt a desire to head inside. I felt a bit intimidated, or maybe I suspected that it would be trespassing to enter through the great main doors, so I decided to enter through the underground tunnel instead of the front doors. I always wondered how the world is like for not-main-entrance-building-enterers, and I felt like this kind of person today. Like a not-main-entrance-building-enterer, I emerged into the building through a stairway from the bottom, worrying if I would lose my sense of direction and become lost. What really concerned me at the time was that I didn’t have my altimeter with me. This could quickly turn into a disaster if I wasn’t careful.

Along the hall were numerous doors leading to what must be incredibly small rooms. I started to wonder what they all could be used for, but I had to continue forward. I came to what I think was the center of the building. A stairway on the south went up to the second floor, and a large room was visible through an arch with a front desk positioned in the middle and some shelves lining the walls. I climbed to the second floor and saw a very similar large room on the west. I headed through it and took a moment to skim some books. After this, I took the west exit and the corridor heading north. It felt like a museum with various pieces on display on tables along the walls. Reaching the north stairs, I climbed to the fourth floor. I noticed that there’s this weird door to the west, it looked really heavy compared to the rest of the library’s doors, so I entered and immediately felt as if I had just walked right into a basement. The walls became dark gray. I felt like if I were to examine them closely, I would be able to find water leaking down them onto the floor. Some rooms were quite large, but were divided by walls made of chain fencing, with steep stairways heading to sections filled with piles of cardboard boxes. I found a rusty metal elevator along the wall, so I decide to ride it down to ground level. Along the ride, one Bruno Cecilson joins me.

“What’s that I see you have there, brother?”
“Oh, it’s my Bialosky Fixed-Focus Camera.”
“You’re still using one of those? Don’t you find the images to be grainy?”
“I find, in the right hands, it can turn out better photos than some of the latest gigapixel models.”
“Could you do me a favor? When you leave, take a photograph of the loftcube I saw on the roof of this building. I’ve never been able to actually find my way up there.”

Outside once again, from the south, I held out my camera, and took two shots of the top of the library. I decided on one to put on the website and gave the other to Bruno.

music to accompany the internote: Kraftwerk – Die Roboter.

~Some Chomps~

I was at the make-your-own-sandwich sandwich bar, trying to think of a new sandwich to make for myself. Normally, I’m used to having other people make my sandwiches for me, then slice them and handfeed it to me. Naturally, because of this, I was having difficulties constructing a sandwich for myself on the spot. I sort of hesitated, looking at the various ingredients, then starting to move away from them, then glancing back again, reconsidering. In the end, I really didn’t want to have to deal with another incident, so I went to the custom orders booth and placed an order for a premade box sandwich thing. It arrived shortly due to telekinesis. I brought it home with me, and proceeded to eat it. It was pleasing to me well. There was also a packet of some kind of wasabi sauce stuff, but I stuck my nose up at it. I only eat real wasabi.

[premade box sandwich thing]

ßandwich βtory

I open my eyes after having lain down for a few moments. My vision is still blurry. I look at the clock, it reads 12:00, but as I stare for a few moments, I see 4:30. All of my chocolate milk has just expired.

I went to this one house, they were having some sort of party or something. But the line for food was really long. And there was this guy who apparently didn't want the food he took, so he was trying to pass off his plate to other people. What a jerk. Why would I want the food he took? And there was this ridiculously huge dinner roll on it too. It didn't look like a good one either. Looked really hard and stale. So anyway, they had beef sandwiches at the food table. I guess that's kind of what you have to expect at these things. Looking back, I should've dipped the dinner roll into the beef juice, that would've made everything all better. Only thing was though, I'm not sure I would have had the time or nerve to perform such a maneuver, especially with such stressful conditions. Looking into that bowl of beef in juice... it can really get intimidating. Everything almost stops moving, and it feels like I'm looking back on my life. All my previous beef sandwich experiences. Back in the day, I used to go to the shop and order the beef juice sandwich. It was a lot cheaper than the real thing, but you still get most of the good parts. The bread soaked in juice is really great, even without beef. I wish, I could be back there, but it no longer exists. I have to return to the reality set in front of me. I take the scoop and just place some beef into my bread, not bothering with the juice. I guess I couldn't handle having a juice heavy beef sandwich at the time. After I got back, I notice my sandwich is hard to eat, since it is kind of on the dry side. So anyway, overall, it was really boring, everyone just sat down at chairs placed around. And since there were no tables, it was awkward to handle the plate and the food you want to eat at the same time.

Aktuelles Sandwïch

It has come to my attention that the sandwiches I've had so far have all been dreamt up next to the fridge, being composed of whatever various things I happened to see at the moment. So I decided that I should go, and see what other people do when it comes to sandwich-making-time. When I thought of sandwich shop, the first place that came to mind is Hero's Submarine Sandwich Shop, but that's not available here, so I went to a place called Jimmy John's. When there, on recommendation, I ordered one of the sandwiches with roast beef, since I enjoy putting roast beef into my mouth, chewing it, then performing a swallow to place its location to my stomach. At Jimmy John's, this sandwich is called a #10 Hunter's Club.

[Brofessional Sandwich]

It has, according to the menu, 1/4 pound of medium rare roast beef, provolone cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise. One thing I notice is that the bread tastes kind of like there's no substance to it, as a hot dog bun or something. I don't know, though, if all sandwiches are generally made like this, or it's just these kinds.

[Sandwich after some Chomping]

My review of this will be in comparison to previous sandwiches I have eaten: the peanutbutter/nutella/jelly saltine and the Cheez-IT. This is the best sandwich ever.

Food Experiment

I've had Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers, but I've never really examined the properties of each that make them unique.  After having tasted both kinds of cheese crackers within a short span of time, I believe that Cheez-It has a much more X-TREME cheese flavor, while Cheese Nip is better at being much more toned down and cracker flavored.  Cheese Nips also seem to have burn spots strewn.

I wasn't satisfied with these results so far, so I decided to use more rational methods to reach my answer: I invoked the scientific method to my cause.  This of course meant that I would be performing a food experiment.  I then went to work on assembling a sandwich using the two kinds of crackers...

[Food Experiment Setup]
[sandwich in detail]

Conclusion: I can make a ridiculous mini-sandwich out of Cheez-It and Cheese Nip crackers.

Sandwich Idea

For exciting times, follow this formula (note that this is not for a souffle, and not for cooking a steak either):
Have two crackers, either saltine or graham work fine.  Probably just about anything will work fine.  Spread peanut butter/nutella on one  side and fluff/jelly on the other.  Combine.

[Sandwich Result]