5 MINUTES WITH - PATRICK KEARNEY

Patrick Kearney is a published writer. His late father was from Urris, Clonmany, his mother, from Belfast, where Patrick was born and reared. He now lives in Donegal with his wife, Justine. He has been writing creatively for 25 years and runs creative writing workshops for emerging and advanced writers, and provides an additional range of support services to writers including new opportunities for publication with The Stoners’ Press. Patrick holds a Master of Arts (MA) in the Written & Verbal Arts. For more information about the writer and his work, visit: http://www.patrickkearneywriting.com/

What music do you like?
Traditional, Soul, and Blues. Particularly music and lyrics by Luke Kelly,Van Morrison, and more recently, Declan O'Rourke, who I think is the best male vocalist and singer-songwriter in Ireland today.

What would you never throw away?
Old black and white photographs of my late parents and grandparents. Black and white photos capture a mood and presence that colour ones never will, no matter how hi-tech they are produced.

What book are you reading?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken Kesey. I watched the film the other night, almost thirty years after first seeing it, and it reinforced my thinking that the lunatics are still running the asylum.

What was your favourite childhood game?
'Knock the door', repeatedly, with a long piece of string!

Have you been to the cinema recently, what did you see and was it any good?
Yes, and I'm not ashamed to say, Mama Mia. Apart from the feelgood music and songs, the vibrant colours of the Greek islands were a very pleasant and much-needed contrast to a very wet Donegal ... and it's still raining!

What section of the newspaper do you turn to first?
I don't read newspapers anymore. It's always the same grey, miserable heads that you see in them, spinning the same old bullshit! When I used to read the papers, it was usually the Death Notices I read first, to find out what wakes were on, where you were always guaranteed a good laugh. But all the old characters I knew are now dead. There's no one of interest out there anymore.

What is your idea of a good night out?
A good meal and a bottle of wine shared with my beautiful wife, Justine.

A real fun moment in your life?
My trousers falling down around my ankles on a street corner in Belfast when being roughly searched by a British soldier and accidently farting in his face when bending over to pull them up!

Have you a favourite TV programme?
Fawlty Towers.

How do you relax?
Reading a good book.

What job did you want to do when you were a child?
To be a farmer like my granddad.

Where would you like to go for your holidays?
Cuba again ... but downtown Havana next time.

Your idea of heaven?
Sitting around a good turf fire with my parents and grandparents telling stories, singing songs, drinking tea and toasting 'Shop' bread on a long handled fork. (It would be important though, that's there would be no down draft in the chimney).

Your idea of hell?
Seeing George Bush standing inside the Pearly Gates.

What famous person would you invite around for dinner and why?
Van Morrison to sing Cyprus Avenue, Hymns To The Silence, and Country Fair in that order.

Favourite animal?
Chocolate Labrador. That's why we have six of them and at least another four to come.

What couldn't you live without?
Chilled water ... and air!

Biggest fear?
I've looked death in the face more than once. So I don't have any.

Biggest thrill?
Sex.

The world's most irritating invention?
Plastic.

What is your idea of a good night in?
An early night.

Do you have a hobby?
Weight training and punching a heavy punch bag very hard.

Biggest disappointment?
The signing of the Treaty by Michael Collins. To agree to the partition of any country and it's people is a recipe for perpetual conflict and suffering until such time that the wrong can be righted, and this seldom happens.

Which period in history would you most like to have lived through?
I'm happy to live in the times I do, though I wish that the Ireland of yesteryear would soon come back, when people had less but were more happy. The pursuit of all things material will be the end to what was once good about life in Ireland, and its people.

World's most useful invention?
Word in print.

What do you have for breakfast?
Porridge, but without the salt, and a pint of chilled water.

What is the best piece of advice you have been given?
Whatever you say, say nothing.

A philosophy that holds merit for you?
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

Exciting New Automatic-Get-Internote System

Animals frequently drink water; they can't seem to get enough of this stuff. Various exotic locations for drinking which the animals have made use of include the bathtub, the sink, and lately, the water fountain. Watch as Animal deftly applies water-drinking procedure to the liquid:

[Procedure]

I personally find it interesting that Salt Water Tabbies are so interested in drinking from a freshwater source. Future observation is needed though before any conclusions can be drawn.

Artwork corner.

First guest strip!
[Bonezon'd]

Pizza Judgment of Article of Strong Faith

The TV suddenly started blaring upon going to commercials causing me to automatically reach for the volume button on the remote. I wished the space guy was on TV, he's a lot more fun. I would have felt bad about having the TV on and just leaving it on mute, and I didn't want quite the amount of light in the room that a lamp provides. I thought back to when I had my book light that would attach to the cover of a book and light the pages. I knew the battery for it was sitting in the closet outside my room, but I couldn't find the light itself in my memory. So naturally I preheated the oven and threw in a frozen sausage and pepperoni pizza with additional black olives and feta cheese sprinkled on top.

[Pizza]

It turned out great. The only real way to cut a pizza is to use a wicked pair of bone cleaving shears. If you're not doing it this way, you're not cutting the pizza correctly.

[Cutting Pizza Pie]

I ate a slice and left the rest sitting there all night for random other people that might wander by, because I'm an incredibly considerate individual. I would love to run into cold pizza if I were to suddenly wake up in the middle of the night.

[Remaining Pie]

Whoa-Unit

Let me tell you things you already know about visual and aural spacial issues.

As of late, it became normal for my father to be off on frequent business trips. As a natural reaction, I would often find myself in the basement with party decorations everywhere, a noisemaker in my hand silent, the tape recorder running on the cushion next to me, and a movie on the television screen. My gaze went past the screen, failing to absorb the simulacra of train murderers acting with religious overtones. Additional details left uncaptured included ninja practicing their swordwork in such a manner where the tip of the blade does not change position. I blinked a few times and refocused, seeing this time two kinds of trains, the first passing over the second. I identified one as a passenger and the other as a mail delivery train. The interesting feature I noted about the passenger train is that there is room on the bottom where a person can hang on to, riding externally, which is not the case at all for the mail train. Seeing the murderers aboard the train once again, my eyes widen as I realize they are after my father.

~The island was really a desert, but there were still people running around, a helicopter landing, and a huge building in the center of it all – one of those where it looks like internally it’s made up of cave openings arranged in a quadrant layout, and the elevator only reaches the ground level. This was of course a huge problem for me since I was headed up to the third floor. As I ran I could feel something pulling on my ear, as if it was the only force driving me up the stairwell. I entered the classroom and put my dessert on the table near the window where it would wait until snacktime halfway through, then took a seat in the rear of the room. This was the part where normal desk formation no longer applied, and chairs were just lined up at tables pushed against the wall. Children started to flood in and I was a bit nervous about one of them looking for a seat and not being able to find one, but I ignored the problem, and I can only imagine it went away. An instructional video started playing and I began to doze off.~

The train derailed, causing me to spring up from the couch and run outside, where I saw huge pieces of burned metal from the train and various mail scattered about. I gathered up as many packages as I could and opened them up. Highlights included three tall glasses with ice cream sundaes and blue cheese cream dip. I took these and began arranging them as if they were the main attraction of another party – it was really all I knew how to do at the time. The police arrived and I began showing them around and explained my plan of repackaging all the food and mailing it to sad people who aren’t getting their food. They seemed uninterested and the two of them headed into my bathroom where they locked the door. I worried that they suspected I was the train murderer because of how the train landed in my backyard, and I had already stashed a ton of food boxes in my bathroom.

WISDOM OF THE WORLD - WEEK 27

This beautiful poem is an invocation of the day and is thought to have been inscribed on St Patrick’s Breastplate. It is from the 8th century.

The Deer’s Cry

I arise today through the strength of Heaven,
Light of sun, radiance of moon,
Splendour of fire, speed of lightening
Swiftness of wind, depth of the sea,
Stability of earth, firmness of rock.

I arise today through God’s strength to pilot me
God’s eye to look before me.
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s shield to protect me,
From all who shall wish me ill,
Afar and a-near, alone and in a multitude,
Against every cruel, merciless power,
That may oppose my body and soul.

Christ with me, Christ before me
Christ behind me, Christ in me
Christ beneath me, Christ above me
Christ on my right, Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise, Christ to shield me
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me
Christ on the tongue of everyone who speaks of me.I arise today.

5 MINUTES WITH - EDDIE

Eddie runs his company, Lough Swilly Sea Safari, from the pier at Buncrana. When I approached him for an interview, I got invited to join him on the boat for a trip around the Swilly with a group of visiting tourists. The sun was shining, so I wasted no time and jumped straight on board for what turned out to be an exhilarating and entertaining round trip of the coastline.

Eddie has been running the business for four years now and has had a lifelong interest in all things aquatic, owning his first boat in 1990. His new purpose built Rib boat is called “Dancing Wave” and seats 14 people in comfort. We visited, Fanad Head, Port Salon and Rathmullan where the visitors hit pubs and funfairs and I was able to have a wee interview with Eddie. The evening was great fun, he really is a fantastic host and his enthusiasm and party spirit are infectious. Eddie runs this exciting venture most evenings and weekends (subject to weather conditions) from April to the end of September so there is still plenty of time to get out onto the water and have some fun. If you would like more information there is a web site http://www.loughswillyseasafari.com/ or you can contact him directly on 087 2747553

What music do you like?
I enjoy listening to traditional Irish and chart music. Anything that is going really. When I am out on the boat I gear the music to the passengers. Anything from the Dubliners to Sharon Shannon, Riverdance to Club Anthems

What would you never throw away?
Rope. You never know when it will come on handy. I also hang on to photographs of the family.

What book are you reading?
Troubled waters by Dublin man Patrick Ferguson. He recounts the days before sea-faring technology along the Irish coastline. It is a great book and it is very interesting to read about when ruthless ship owners sacrificed their men in the pursuit of profit

What was your favourite childhood game?
Going out onto the Swilly on one of my fathers tractor tubes. I also made a raft near Ned’s Point and would sail out on that too.

Have you been to the cinema recently, what did you see and was it any good?
Perfect Storm starring George Clooney. It was based on a true story, and dedicated to the ten thousand Gloucester fishermen men lost at sea since 1623.

What is your idea of a good night out?
Everyone in the group being happy, with no fall outs during the evening.

Most embarrassing moment of your life?
It was a long time ago but I managed to fall over a hedge and chat up the wrong girl in a bar (I was a bit drunk and she looked like my date). You don’t like to be reminded of these things…

Have you a favourite TV programme?
There are a few good programmes on Sky. I particularly enjoyed the one about crabbing in Alaska.

How do you relax?
I relax as soon as I get on the Dancing Wave.

What job did you want to do when you were a child?
I have always been interested in fishing and when I was young I wanted to be a fisherman.

Where would you like to go for your holidays?
Inishtrahull or Tory Island are perfect destinations for a peaceful holiday.

Your idea of heaven?
The sun shining and lying in anchor near Port Ban, next to Dunree. I would be sat at the back of the boat with an icebox.

Your idea of hell?
Running out of fuel on a confused sea (that’s when you don’t know what the tide is doing), and throwing the anchor out without a rope tied to the end…

What famous people would you invite around for dinner and why?
Sarah Jessica Parker the American actor and producer and a few cast members from A Perfect Storm.

Favourite animal?
A dog. We have a 5 year old Alsatian /Collie cross called Prince. He is a lovely dog and spends a lot of his time trying to eat stones.

What couldn’t you live without?
My bed.

Biggest fear?
Having intoxicated passengers falling overboard.

Biggest thrill?
Riding over a really big wave on the boat. It’s a sea faring Rib so it could handle practically anything.

The world’s most irritating invention?
The mobile phone.

What is your idea of a good night in?
I am not in much in the summer but in winter I enjoy a good bottle of fruit wine and a warm fire.

Do you have a hobby?
My boat.

Biggest disappointment?
Boats corroding. They can break your heart sometimes. Lots of things can deteriorate because of the salt in the water.

Which period in history would you most like to have lived through?
1500-1600 the era of the Armadas and tall ships. It would have been great to be a captain of such fine vessels.

World’s most useful invention?
The Global Positioning System (GPS) for boats. You always know exactly where you are in any weather.

What do you have for breakfast?
Porridge with half a punnet of either strawberries or blueberries. I usually throw on a banana too.

What is the best piece of advice you have been given?
Make sure you wear a lifejacket and have plenty of fuel on board a boat. Take a mobile phone, a knife and a bottle of whiskey…

Personal philosophy
Keep it simple… Don’t fly too high.